My Most Popular Article and How to Shake an Bake an Entire Chicken

Is the one about Spicy Chicken Tomato Soup. It's brought in solid, consistent traffic. It's a little funky cause I started this to disperse my fantasy novel. The fact that a soup recipe is more popular is very interesting. I honestly don't know what to think. Oh wait yes, I do:

It's totally awesome.

Keep on makin the soup. It's delicious.

I also can't recommend shake n' baking a whole chicken enough. It delicious, requires two packets of shake and bake stuff, and one big bag. Here's how you do it

• Empty both packets into large bag
  
• Put your chicken in the bag
  
• Shake extremely well
• Gently lift from bag and put in large casserole dish
• Place in oven at 350 for about 2 hours or until wonderful
  

Cook it slow ftw

If you wanna rock this up even more, get a thing of stove pot stuffing. After the chicken has been in for an hour, take it out, surround it with stuffing and add the required amount of water for the stuffing.

Then put it back in for an hour and viola! Stuffing too.

Mash some potatoes and you've got all the fun of thanksgiving - with 1/23 of the work.

Arcanus Valiant: Serious Linkage

I: The Rise and Fall of the Gorgon Prince
II: The Synthrax Imperative
III: The Tomb of Tendranoth
IV: The Smallest of Rooms - New

Arcanus Valiant is a series of Modern Fantasy/Epic short stories staring a man who is anything but. Join our hero as he fights the good fight for an otherwise oblivious world.

Arcanus Valiant IV: The Smallest of Rooms

Day 4

Arcanus Valiant woke up in drug-induced haze. He was feeling good. He looked to his left to see an IV coming from his arm and a series of bandages and casts holding him together. A hospital gown had replaced his clothes. He hoped it wasn't too revealing, but he couldn't roll over to check.

"Well this is just great,” He tried so swivel around and stand up. He could not swivel or stand. He sighed in defeat and then drifted out of consciousness.

Day 7

Valiant once again came to and found that he felt worse than before. Perhaps he was gaining a resistance to the painkillers and sedatives.

He wiggled his toes and clenched his fingers. It really hurt to move his right hand.

"Stupid werewolf," He muttered.

"That's what we're afraid of," A canned voice came from above. "You had deadly contact with one of them."

"It wasn't a werewolf," he said. "I shot it with a silver bullet and it didn't even flinch."

"Interesting yet irrelevant," The voice replied. "We'll need to keep you here until the next lunar cycle completes."

"When was the last full moon?"

"About a day before you went on your mission,"

"So you mean,"

"Yes you'll be in quarantine for the next while. You've already slept off the first week though."

"A week,” Arcanus paused for a moment. "Has anyone fed my cat?"

"You have a cat?"

Day 8

Arcanus' body still refused to really do anything. He also suspected that they turned all his sedatives and painkillers off.

Today, Valiant was frighteningly aware of how much he was messed up. His collarbone and upper arm were broken and whatever muscles would have held them together were had been nigh shredded. His left ankle had suffered a small fracture. It wasn’t the first time he’d broken a bone; it wouldn’t be the last.

Every now and then, he’d whimper and then go back to staring at the roof. Why didn’t these rooms have televisions?

Day 9

Halfway through the day some one dropped off a book for Valiant. He didn’t know whom; he was extremely grateful. Next, he went about the business of discovering how hard it is to read a book with only one functioning arm. He also tried sitting up, that didn’t pan out either. And so the secrets within of “Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets” became aware to him one, awkwardly turned, page at a time.

“I wish they had gotten me a book I hadn’t read before,” he mumbled between a particularly difficult flip. He secretly wished Harry would get his ass in gear and deal with He-who-should-not-be-named sooner and not wait until the end of the school year.

Day 10

After having wrapped up the Chamber of the Secrets, Valiant triumphantly sat up and felt a little dizzy. He asked for a sandwich. Later on, he ate one. Solid food never tasted so good.

Day 11

Valiant woke up in a cold sweat after having a particularly startling dream about being torn to bits by a werewolf. In the end it turned out, he was the werewolf tearing apart himself. He discussed this at length with the doctor who came to peer at him through the glass. He explained to the doctor that the dream was no doubt symbolic of the fact that he was slowly turning into a werewolf and the beast was destroying his real self.

He explained it several times, but each time the doctor merely replied that it was probably just stress.

“You were almost killed Valiant,” He said as he wrote stuff on his clipboard. “Most people get dreams about events that happen to them. It can be especially vivid if that event was a big deal. You almost died, so you can see where that’s coming from.”

“But it was a powerful werewolf”

“Just because you fight monsters for living, doesn’t mean you’re any different from anybody else.”

“But!”

“I’m going to get some subway?” The doctor cut him off. “Want something?”

“Sure,”

Approximately an hour later, Valiant had consumed another sandwich. He particularly enjoyed the tender beef.

Day 15

Halfway through his term, Valiant felt better and was starting to get the hang of quarantine. He’d get up, read a little potter, have some breakfast, eat a sandwich around noon and then go back to sleep.

Valiant found himself with the awe-inspiring ability to shuffle around his little room. He’d go up to the glass, have a look in the hallway, shimmy back to his bed and take a breather. Sometimes he did this several times in a given hour. He was careful to ensure no one was looking. He couldn’t have people thinking he was going crazy.

A few days back, he had asked for a pen and some paper and he started writing stuff down. Whatever came to his head, he wrote it on paper for kicks. Really there wasn’t that much else to do. He also asked for a TV; they said they couldn’t hook one up – the rooms were pretty much sealed in.

Day 17

Valiant made a list of the things he would do once he got out of here. He hadn’t written much, but “Eat a Banana Split” was enough for now.

Day 20

Valiant asked the doctor why nobody had visited him. The doctor said that nobody was allowed. Valiant asked why.

“If you are a werewolf, we may have to put you down,” The Doctor replied with a sigh. “Turns out wolfsbane, is a real plant, but not a real cure. We really don’t know what we’d do if you were one. They guys upstairs want to keep all our options open. It’s easier on everyone that way.”

Valiant was silent for a long time. As the doctor was about to leave Valiant said, “Can I at least have a new book? I’ve read this one so much; it’s more like ‘Harry Potter and the Missed Clues’ now.”

“I’ll see what I can do,” the doctor replied.

Day 21

The doctor came back and passed Dune through the slots.

“Thanks” Valiant said,”Hey why are you the only doctor who comes down here.”

“I’m actually just an intern,” He replied.

“Seriously,”

“Well yeah, the doctors kept you alive initially, and now that you’re stable, set and healing. They’d like to keep their distance,”

“Mmmmh,” Valiant muttered, “This isn’t the most caring organization.”

Day 25

Valiant had gotten to the point where he would read one sentence from Dune and the next from potter and vice versa. He went on and on like this for quite some time. It wasn’t bad. It lacked some coherency, but it made up for that with deep artistic insights only Valiant could see. Harry’s journey to wizardry was not unlike Paul Atredies’ rise to power –except it was different.

Day 27

“Full moon tomorrow night,” the intern woke him up. “Feeling any different”

“Not really, maybe I hurt less,” Valiant replied, “I can use my arm a bit more!” Valiant feebly waved and then quickly stopped. “That hurt a lot more than you’d think.”

“Ok,” The intern replied. “So no major changes.”

“I’ve done some one handed pushups,” Valiant replied. “They hurt, but I guess I got to work on my good side. I’m pretty out of shape I think.”

Day 28

The full moon came out, apparently, and midnight was rolling near. A whole team of scientists watched Valiant now. Some stood in front of the glass while other, more sane ones, assured Valiant that they currently viewed him through some monitors.

This was the big night. Valiant wondered what would happen. He so badly wanted to get back home. ‘Harry Potter and the Dune’ had lost all appeal now.

Valiant was feeling better. Probably the best yet, but he hadn’t been hurt this badly since the incident, and couldn’t really gauge if he was healing any faster or slower than normal. He could move his arm a fair bit now. It wasn’t very strong, but what could you do. His leg was much better - almost as good as new.

“How’re you feeling?” one of the men asked for like the millions time.

“Fine,” Valiant replied. He walked over to his chair, sighed and looked at it. “Normal, everything’s ok – just peachy; wouldn’t mind a peach.”

Valiant put his hand on the top of the chair and turned it around so it wasn’t facing him. He gave it a good squeeze with his top hand and threw it at the window. In a shattering cacophony, glass rained down on both sides of the windows. The scientists, already on edge had jumped out of the way.

Valiant confidently strode to the window and hopped through. He tore a lab coat off one the scientist and covered himself up a bit better. It made him feel less… vulnerable. The excitement got his heart pumping and he felt a whole lot better now. He walked down the hallway. An alarm sounded, some one yelled at him not to go. He didn’t care.

He kicked open the door to the stairwell, walked to the first floor and kicked open that door too. He was doing pretty good.

He stood in the organizations front lobby and saw guards arranging themselves on either side. He kept on walking.

“Valiant,” Someone called out behind him.

“You can’t break quarantine! We don’t know what you are. You’re a danger to everyone”

He kept on walking and the automatic doors slowly slid open – letting the rain it. “I’m Arcanus Valiant. I’m a danger to myself.”

He strode out onto the sidewalk. Now he felt much better. He hoped it was fresh air and not the moonlight. He took several steps and hailed a cab. He stepped inside and gave the driver directions home.

Day 29 00:12

Valiant walked up to his apartment door only to realize he didn’t have a key, but oddly enough, his door opened for him. Standing in the doorway was a person he hadn’t seen in too long.

“I fed your cat,” she said.

“Thank you Marian,” Valiant replied softly.

“They called me when you broke out,” She said, “I figured you’d come here.”

Valiant hugged her.

“Thank you so much,” He said again, “I gotta get my wallet and pay the cab driver.” He felt her nod. “After that, do you wanna order some pizza?”

"ok"

Valiant Index

Arcanus Valiant III: Arcanus Valiant and the Tomb of Tandrenoth.

~This one is shorter! Enjoy

Several days ago, construction began on an otherwise unremarkable subway tunnel. Soon after that, they dug a little too deep and unearthed something, which killed almost the entire crew and left the survivors without the ability to talk sense. It was for this reason Arcanus Valiant strolled down that very same tunnel. There was very little knowledge on what could be down here, so Valiant had taken no chances.

Most things that people unearthed were immortal and most of those things didn't appreciate silver; he had a clip of silver bullets in Irony. Some also didn't like garlic, so he had eaten a couple cloves on the way down. He felt as prepared as he could be under the circumstances.

Using his flashlight, he found a switch and turned on the lights. One by one, rows of them lit up the tunnel in progress and revealed the carnage which had ensued. Bodies lay dismembered all throughout. Materials and tools were scattered everywhere. Something bad had happened to these people. Whatever did this wasn't friendly.

He stepped forward slowly - all too aware of the gravel crunching beneath his feet. In this den of silence, he heard nothing else. He continued step by step. The bodies kept going. A lot of people had died here. Too many.

Looking into the distance he made out a figure crouched over another body. His keen ears detected the sounds of crunching bones and tearing flesh. He pulled out Irony and checked to ensure it had the silver bullets loaded. He cocked the barrel, and took aim.

It must’ve heard him and the figure turned its head to reveal a distinctly lupine visage. It growled menacingly as blood ran out of its canine jaws.

Valiant breathed out slowly and squeezed the trigger. The roar of a well-maintained desert eagle filled the tunnel and the creature was hit dead center. A streak of dark arterial blood shot out its other side and painted a long crimson line on the tunnel floor. The force knocked the creature over. It shook violently for a moment and then stopped.

Valiant holstered Irony and muttered, "Werewolves," to himself. "Funny, it's daytime."

He walked down to inspect the corpse. Soon, he was about 10 feet away. It stood up.

"Not a werewolf?" Valiant muttered. The creature stood about 8 feet tall. It was heavily built and covered in fur, had gruesome looking clawed hands and a face only a wolf's mother could love. It didn't require a stretch of imagination to see how it tore the entire work crew into gibbons, but at the same time, for all intents and purposes, it should have been a werewolf. It should have died already.

Arcanus drew Irony again. The beast was already upon him. He fired one shot, which tore through its chest, and then they collided. Arcanus was down with the beast on top of him. He tried to push it off, but it was just too strong. It bit into his shoulder and he felt something break. With his other arm, he drew his combat knife and stabbed it into the beast’s side.

The surprise gave him the leverage he needed to roll out from under it. His right arm dangled more or less ineffectively.

"Woot," he said as he tore his shotgun off his back with his left. "Not like I needed that half of my collarbone or anything."

The beast flew at him again. The time he gave it both barrels and its momentum was stolen by the force if the blow. It slowed down this gave Valiant the time required to get the hell out of its way.

Arcanus threw the shotgun at it and drew his Katana. He thought back to one of his encounters with Destin Herod.

"Is that sword actually useful?" Herod arrogantly asked. "We have guns. Swords are outdated by like five hundred years."

“This baby has saved my life countless times over,” Valiant replied.

“I doubt it”

Today he would prove Herod wrong. He held it in his left hand like a great samurai, and he silently wished that he were one.

The beast lunged with awesome power and agility. Valiant swung hard with all the might he could muster. He cut in almost dead center and then he could move the sword any further. The beast, now impaled, stood just out of its reach. It howled and Valiant knew fear.

Slowly it stepped forward driving the sword deeper through it, but also bringing itself closer to Valiant.

"Shit," Valiant said in a manner of fact fashion. He looked around for something to help him out. He saw nothing.

He did the only think he could think of. He let go of the sword and tried to kick it. The sword slid want deeper into the beast – up to its hilt – and the beast stumbled back a fraction of a step. Arcanus drew Irony again and fired. This time he aimed for the handle of his Katana.

It connected and the beast stumbled back. He fired again, but faster than you can say ricochet, something hit his left ankle and he too stumbled backwards. His right shoulder hurt like hell. Teary eyed, bleeding and broken he took aim for the beast's head and squeezed the trigger. The force of the shot pushed Valiant to his knees.

He bit his lip. The loss of blood was becoming too much for him. He forced his eyes to stay open.

He had shot the beasts face. A hunk of broken flesh and bones hung from what was once its lower jaw. The shot must have been somewhat glancing, for the beast was still alive and regaining its composure.

"This is just ridiculous," Valiant muttered.

Valiant heard what may been muffled words coming from it. He took aim again with one shaking hand and squeezed the trigger – of the gun named Irony. His vision lost all color he saw the beasts head rip back with a terrible force. Valiant fell over and everything went black.

The sound of hooves thundered in the distance.

Valiant Index

Arcanus Valiant II: The Sinthrax Imperative

Arcanus Valiant rode along in the back of a taxicab slightly discontent. The loss of his mustang had left him without sufficient transportation and as a result, he had set off on the only mission promising to also pay full cab fair there and back. It was this way because no one else wanted to do it.

The cab driver asked him what he carried in his two oversized briefcases.

"One is a gun, the other is a bomb," Valiant replied half-heartedly.

"Oh a wise guy," the Driver remarked.

A few minutes later, he pulled up to the Stenson Co office building. Well it wasn't all Stenson, just the top four floors. Regardless the entire building had been closed down and missing persons, reports had been filed for a significant number of employees.

"You shouldn’t go in there," the cabby said. “They have some sort of infestation."

"Yeah they do," Valiant replied as he cracked open his briefcase and pulled out his double-barreled shotgun. "I'm the exterminator."

He kicked open the building’s front door. Or at least he tried to. It didn't budge. He sighed, pulled a keycard out of his leather jacket, and swiped it in the nearest reader. The doors unlocked in a unified clunk. Valiant opened one and stepped in.

The lobby was a beautiful construct of marble and glass. In the middle was a large fountain, which glowed in an optimistic light. He had seen such a fountain before, but that had been a past life. His hand drifted over its edge as he walked towards the elevator. It had been a long time indeed. He pushed these thoughts to the back of his mind and pressed 'up'.

The door opened almost instantly and he stepped inside. His ears were greeted with the grim music that can only be found in elevators. As he heard the last gasps of so many musicians’ careers, he could not help but reflect on his own life.

"You know we have pump action and semi automatic shotguns," Destin Herod - one of his fellow agents - had once said, "Then you don't have to reload every two shots."

"But then how would you give them both barrels?"

"You don't have to. You can give them one barrel over and over again."

Herod was an idiot.

Valiant pressed '52' - The top floor. He checked to see if everything was in order. His katana was at his side. Irony and Suffering - his twin desert eagles - were loaded and ready. His cell phone had no bars.

"Elevators," he mumbled.

Soon the elevator stopped and the inner doors opened, but the outer doors refused to.

Valiant pressed the button for the previous floor and he got off there. Whatever it was , was no doubt above him and had power over doors.

He started towards the stairwell. Soon he realized he didn't know where the stairs were. He dialed Marian.

"You can't find the stairs?" She laughed for a good solid minute. "They're actually right beside the elevator."

"What would I do without you?"

"Not much,"

Valiant hung up the phone and started up the stairwell. He stepped out on the top floor and saw a spider as big as a watermelon.

He called Marian again.

"What do you have on big spider?"

"How big? Tell me in fruit."

"Watermelon."

"Watermelon? Sounds like a monkey spider. Watch out they're poisonous, or maybe not. What animal named spiders are poisonous again? Wolf spider, bear spider, geurilla spider? Wait! They're is no such thing as a guerilla spider, or is there. Google here I come!"

Valiant had tuned her out long ago and slowly walked past the watermelon sized arachnid. He put his shotgun on his back and opened up his other suitcase. He started arming it - just in case. It was an incendiary charge designed to clean out approximately one floor of office building and leave most everything intact. They were very useful in these situations. He gave it a ten-minute timer.

"Nope no guerilla spider. I don't think there is a bear spider either. My brother used to have a tarantula. It would shed its skin and he'd hide it in my room. Now where were we?"

Valiant opened up the door to the 52nd floor mini lobby and found exactly what he didn't want to see. Eight cocooned figures hung from the sealing. One of them was wiggling a little. Valiant pulled out his katana, gave it a look, and switched it for a much smaller combat knife.

He walked up to the cocoon and started cutting it open.

"Hello?" An upside down face said to him. It was a girl’s voice.

"Hi I'm hear to save you,"

"Did you kill her?"

"Kill who?"

Valiant heard the clickity-clack of great pincers come up behind him. He slowly turned around.

"Who disturbs the Sinthrax," It bellowed in an also feminine yet substantially more terrifying voice.

Valiant turned to see a gigantic creature. Its lower half was of a great spider. It had to have been at least ten feet across and five feet tall. Its upper half was the top half of a woman with large scythe like pincers replacing its upper arms and hands.

Oddly, its face was stunningly beautiful, but more than that her hair was red and flowed like a continual flame. It glistened with life, glimmered excitement, and radiated the sensation of a spring breeze on a summer’s day laced with the colors of fall and the tranquility of winter. Each miniscule movement had within it such joy and adulation. Cynthia had red hair like that, before the incident.

Nevertheless, Valiant knew he couldn’t fixate on her breath taking hair. He had a job to do.

"Stand down," Valiant said. "Maybe we can reach an agreement."

"You fools are worms beneath the mighty claw of the Sinthrax," She screamed in response

"Your hair is... I'm sorry what did you say?"

The hanging woman cried out "She's going to kill us!" And Valiant sprung into action.

"What's there?" Marian yelled.

"Big spider woman with,” Valiant paused in his speech unsure what to say. “Hair,"

"I got nothing,"

Valiant activate the bomb, tore down the woman and pushed her towards the stairs.

She ran towards them, but not before she grabbed Valiant's shotgun.

More spiders started pouring into the room. They were sized anywhere from house spiders to wolf-like spiders.

"Wolf spiders!" Valiant yelled as he drew his magnums. He took shots at a few of the big ones and then aimed for the Queen. He pulled the riggers sending two 44-caliber shots at her middle section. Irony and Suffering tore through her abdomen and left two surprisingly small holes.

Within seconds, brownish green ooze came from the wounds and sealed them shut.

"Ha you'll find we are much stronger than your frail bodies,"

He shot at her head, but one of the bigger spiders tackled him. He rolled over and shot it off. Its back was blown clean off. Valiant rolled back onto his feat, ran out of the room, and slammed the door. He holstered Irony and grabbed a chair to lean against the doorknob.

"That'll hold em,"

"Come on!" He heard the upside down lady yell at him from the stairwell. "What are you waiting for."

"Eight minutes." Valiant replied.

"See you then," She yelled as she ducked down the stairwell.

Valiant walked to the edge of the room, and reloaded. He prepared himself. Soon the door would break and all would come through.

Then the roof broke. In a hail of plaster and lighting equipment, the Spider Queen came crashing down. Valiant was blindsided by a leg and it send flying across the room. Suffering flew out of his hand and slide across the room.

He sucked in a gasp of air and tried to stand. He aimed Irony with both hands.

The Queen of Sinthrax turned to face him.

"I can smell your fear. It is delicious."

"Smell this,” He pulled the trigger, as she lunged towards him. Eight powerful legs close the gap faster than he could have imagined. The bullet merely glanced off her carapace.

Valiant was snatched up by one of the pincers and pulled off the ground. His feat kicked in the air ineffectively and Irony fell to the floor. His face was brought near to hers. Her unnatural eyes looked into his and stared right through him. Her hair was even more stunning from up close.

"How does it feel to be so insignificant human," She said revealing a mouth full of sharp fangs.

Valiant grabbed his katana and in one fluid motion chopped into her shoulder. It cut several inches into her, but she only grinned. "When will you learn!" She threw him across the room and he hit the far wall.

He sucked in another breath and saw Suffering was only a few feet away. He dived for it, but she was faster and sent him flying across the room again.

Beaten, battered and out of breath, he had a tough time getting to his feat, and he was by a large window fifty stories up. He wiped the blood away from his lip and pulled out his combat knife. It was a solid foot in length, but that just didn't seem big enough. He held it in front of him. Irony was about fifteen feet away from him and she was standing above Suffering.

"I'm going to die," he muttered.

"Yes, yes you are," she replied in dark refrain.

He heard a gunshot. She was obviously hit and stumbled several feet. His katana fell out of her shoulder.

Valiant took this moment to close the distance to Irony, picked it up and fired a shot. It hit her arm.

"What is this insolence!" She screamed and lunged at valiant. Valiant shot one of her forelegs and another gunshot came from behind. It threw her off balance. She hit the ground unevenly and collided with Valiant and the nearest window.

Valiant fell down and saw the Sinthrax Queen sail over him and out the window. Then a pincer hit him and seconds later, he found himself dangling from the ledge with one hand clinging for life.

Looking down, the Spider Queen was climbing up the side of the wall and she was closing fast. Valiant started shooting, but his clip ran out far too soon.

Looking up he saw the girl from before peering over the edge.

"Give her both barrels!" Valiant yelled.

"What?"

"Fire both barrels!"

The Queen grasped for Valiant’s leg and then the glorious sound of a double barreled shotgun erupted. A death rain of buck and shot screamed forth, ripped into the Spider Queen, and hit her with a force unimaginable. One by one her claws broke free of the surface and she plummeted to the streets below. She screamed a curse in words unknown.

Valiant threw his magnum up above and climbed to safety. He grabbed the girl and his Katana and they ran down the stairs as fast as they could.

Second, later an explosion erupted above them and ended the existence of the Sinthrax.

In the aftermath, a cleanup crew was called in to deal with the splatter. After the building cooled, Valiant ventured to the top floor to find the scrap metal that had previously been Suffering. He put it in his pocket and pulled out several strands of red hair. He would always remember the beast, which had destroyed his prized weapon, and they would be twin magnums never more, but more than that, he would remember the hair.

"Like seriously,” He said in a mix of awe, confusion, and lust, “How can a such a being be so evil, and have such… hair."

Valiant Index

Oh Arcanus

Arcanus Valiant really hit. People liked it. I'll have to make more. Stay Tuned.

Also Check It:
http://image.wetpaint.com/image/1/DdASRv5TXG-fyTyn5reWHA150923

The Party was:
Wicked Sister - my wild mage
Mazzy Fenton
Cernd
Minsc + Boo
Visconia
and Imoen

Arcanus Valiant I: The Rise and Fall of the Gorgon Prince

Arcanus Valiant stepped out of his ’74 Ford Mustang, slammed the door and finished strapping on his ammo belt. He slung his shotgun over his back, ensured his twin desert eagle magnum revolvers, Irony and Sadness, were properly stowed in their holsters and strapped his katana to his beefy right leg. He cracked his knuckles, lit a cigar and started walking towards the barn of the Holsteins Holdings Diary Farm.

Four days ago, they had lost contact with the location. The locals had mysteriously dropped of the map, and the police who were sent to investigate never came out. It wasn’t long after that when The Organization was called in to see what was going on. Valiant wasn’t the best man for the job, but he wasn’t too busy, and his car needed a long drive in the country. For this reason, he had taken the task.

He confidently strolled onwards into the unknown and stood before the doors of the Barn. The kicked them hard, they didn’t move. He then proceeded to go the smaller, normal sized side door. He twisted the knob and it opened with a screech. The smell of milk drifted to his nose. He turned around, took several steps and threw up. He was severely lactose intolerant. Once he was confident he could vomit no longer, he stepped into the barn.

He gasped and cried out, “I haven’t seen this many dead cows since the incident,” for before him lay dozen of dead bovine. “Son of a Bitch.” He pulled out his double-barreled shotgun and loaded both barrels. He was not going to be caught by surprise. He walked in to the center of the bar.

He turned around in a circle. “What could have done this?” He pulled out his cell phone and dialed in the HQ.

“Marian here,” Marian said over the phone.

“Marian, all the cow’s have been killed.”

“Not again. You’re serious?”

“Every single one.”

“Son of a bitch. I don’t know what to say, stay frosty”

It was then he the roar. It shook the earth. He span around to try and face it. He wasn’t prepared for what he saw. It looked like a cow, but it was most certainly some sort of bull. Even then it was covered in dark green scales and much larger. Fire shot from its mouth. It pawed the ground.

“What was that?” Marian yelled over the phone.

“A… Hell Cow?” Valiant aimed his shotgun and fired – all with only his right hand it. He saw the shot hit the beasts face and it connect in a haze of buck and shot. Seconds later when the dust cleared, it was angry.

“What happened?” Marian asked.

“What’s the land speed of a bull?”

“Let me check….” Marian trailed off. Valiant ran off. He ran out of the barn so fast. It was like he was never there, but the Hell Cow remembered. Second, later there was a bull-sized hole in one of the walls and Valiant turned to see it catching up.

He dropped his shotgun and pulled out Irony and Sadness. Spinning around he took aim at the beasts kneecaps and fired. It stumbled, he fired again and again and again and again until two clips fell from his guns and they would only click ineffectively. Each paired shots connected with power force and ricocheted off its front legs. It was still running.

“I think you may be dealing with a Gorgon!” Marian yelled from Valiant’s hip.

“What’s a Gorgon?”

“I don’t know, I keep finding information on Medusa. They were gorgons you know.”

“This is a cow,” Valiant yelled and he slammed new clips into Irony and Sadness. He crossed his arms, aimed for the eyes and took another shot. The guns flew out his hands, arms crossed were a bad firing angle, but the shots connected. Blinded, the beast bared down on him; he jumped out the way at the last minute. The beast came to a halt ten feet behind him.

“Not a snake lady,” He pulled out his katana and charged. He jump and brought the blade down the blasted beasts back. It made a resounding clang with the pitch of C#.

“Oh found something. Their skin is made of metal,” Marian said.

“No shit.” Arcanus Valiant turned tail and ran, hopefully before the beast could figure out what was going on.

“Must get to car,” He mumbled.

“Do you have any anti-armor weaponry? Anti-tank gun or something?”

“No. Why would I have those?”

“Cause they help against gorgons silly,”

“Of course they do.”

“Well yes and it only makes sense, they are… wait your being sarcastic. Well excuse me Mr. Valiant.” The phone made a resounding click.

“Now I’m going to die alone,” He heard the sound of hoofs gaining on him.

He reached his car, opened the door, started it up and put the pedal to the metal. He opened up his glove box looking for a hand grenade, c4 - anything. He found several receipts for Chinese food and felt hungry. He hit the e-break. Spun the car around, drifted off the road a little bit and then started back towards the beast.

It was on the road in hot pursuit, but now the charger had would become the charged.

With the furious squeal of rubber hitting the road, Valiant sent his ‘74 Mustang barreling down the road. The beast shot fire from its nostrils and the pavement below its mighty hooves was broken and tossed into the air like so much cheap dirt.

His phone rang and Marian came back online.

“Sorry I hung up on you earlier, I was just a little cheesed off at your attitude,”

Valiant took off his seatbelt and shot out his windshield.

“Please throw me clear. Please throw me clear. Please throw me clear.” He muttered. The beast couldn’t have been more that 30 feet away from him.

“Fuck it,” he jumped out his side door and watched his car collide with the monster. It compacted like pie tin, but sounded like unparalleled destruction. Valiant rolled for a long time, luckily his leather jacket saved him a lot of pain. Unfortunately, his jeans did not and he left half his skin on the pavement. With adrenaline pounding throw his system, he stood back up and surveyed the destruction. The hell cow was wrapped up in the car as if it was a sheet. It lay on its side and slowly breathed in and out. It wasn’t bleeding or dieing – just stuck.

Valiant drew his shotgun, and loaded both barrels. He strode up to the beast, which looked at him with udder distain. He placed the shotgun against the beast’s right.

“Wait!” it said.

“Moo” said Valiant; then he pulled the trigger.

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